The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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