I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
