Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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