I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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