Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
