Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I love you. Go after that dick
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
