just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize