Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
