the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
