I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
