your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
We have started to decorate penises.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
