i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
we're so committed to being not committed
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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