he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
