I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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