so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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