Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
