What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
