I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
