I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
