If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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