If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
