there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
