if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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