The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I am mentally ready for anal.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize