Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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