everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
