The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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