I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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