I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
