he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize