wanna go halves on a baby?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
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