You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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