I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
