So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
fuck your aforementioned shoe
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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