i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
