We won't sleep together?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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