she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
