It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
