Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize