You made me cry and you don't even care
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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