Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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