and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
