he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
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