Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
