I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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