Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
