my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
