he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
