i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
