I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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