Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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