I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
