I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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