I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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