Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
