Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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